I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
