textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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