so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
