I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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