Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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