The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There r osticjed everywhere
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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