I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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