Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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