My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize