I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
