I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
