even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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