I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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