FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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