Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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