i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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