I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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