i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
