Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
