Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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