I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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