The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize