it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
