My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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