Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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