i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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