Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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