pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize