you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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