I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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