i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
