Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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