I wish i was in the wii world.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
