woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
