i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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