I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
