I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
