Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
