I wanna passion pit in your ass
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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