Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
