Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
how drunk are you?
Several
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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