He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
