now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
