You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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