can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize