I wish my penis had an off switch
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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