I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
