I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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