the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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