I think im going to throw up on grandma
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
high people should be assigned attendants
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
