Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
