I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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