He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Mom said you looked used
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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