My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
