literally had 100 drinks last night.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
