3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize