why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
