i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
