Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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